We got this new machine at the shoe store that scans your feet and tells you what shoes you should buy. That used to be my job. Now I just stand there holding an iPad. The robots aren’t even that impressive yet and they’re already pushing us out. Not a great feeling. I wouldn’t even call this thing a robot. It’s like, pre-robot. When FedEx dropped it off, I knew this was the machine we’d been waiting for. The Volumental FitTech Platform.
The company is so stoked on this thing. It’s the future, they’re saying. I’m sure it is. Some guy came into the store last weekend when it was super crowded and was pissed off he wasn’t getting the immediate service he felt he deserved. He made sure to tell my boss on the way out, “This is why you people are gonna be replaced by AI.” I wish I’d been at the register when he said that. “Bitch, we already are! Can I interest you in a foot scan? It’s free!”
Honestly, most of The Platform’s recommendations I don’t even agree with. But when I’m with customers I gotta act like it’s the coolest thing ever. Tell them to step onto The Platform. Rotate the 3D image with my index finger, brow furrowed. Ask them questions about their running habits like it’s gonna help contextualize the statistics I’m aimlessly scrolling through. We’ve been told The Platform is not replacing us. Rather, we are working together with The Platform to maximize the customer experience. Sounds like something a robot would say.
I’m hoping nobody from work reads this and accuses me of being negative about this piece of equipment I’m “working alongside.” I feel like I’ve been pretty cooperative about the whole thing. My manager wasn’t at the store when FedEx delivered The Platform. I could’ve easily thrown it in the garbage. No one would have known. But I didn’t do that. I’ve actually done the opposite. I’ve talked it up over and over again to almost every customer. I really sell the whole experience. But The Platform never talks me up. Overall it seems pretty unappreciative of my efforts. Before each scan, I have to get on my knees and clean it with a Clorox wipe. That’s when I can hear it talking shit. “This is it, buddy. The beginning of the end. Your time here is almost done, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Now wipe my ass.”
It’s actually a pretty good way for the robots to begin the takeover. Making us wipe their asses. Psychological warfare. Then again, maybe I just need to get over my insecurity about not putting my degree to good use. An insecurity I am now projecting onto an inanimate object. But maybe that’s what it wants me to think? I don’t know. I do think that my boss, The Platform and I need to sit down and have a discussion about how this human-machine partnership is supposed to work. “Working alongside each other” and all that. So far it hasn’t felt like a two-way street. Not that I was expecting one. I’m expecting a slow and steady takeover. But I also don’t want my co-workers to think I’m some paranoid weirdo. It’s a tough situation. For now I will just keep smiling and nodding and rotating 3D images with confidence. And then bending over and wiping this dumb thing down with a Clorox wipe.
Haha, sky net is rising! Did you know that the only job the robots have 100% replaced thus far is “elevator operator.”