Why Dating a Professional Space Holder Should Be Your Big Move in 2021
I've realized how little space my past girlfriends have held for me, and how much more I deserve.
One thing we’ve all learned about dating over the last year is that when times are tough, relationships often reveal themselves to be fickler than they appeared. Pre-pandemic, the bond between you and your lover seemed indestructible. Now that you’re trapped in the same apartment together (in which case, kudos to you for sticking it out this long), you’ve probably found yourself fantasizing about your partner’s demise more than you’re willing to admit.
On the other hand, if you’re single, this is a great time to level up. I know socially distanced dating isn’t the best motivation for getting up off the couch and hustling across town for some polite, potentially masked conversation with another human being. But if you know what you’re looking for, there’s no better time to shoot your shot than when the competition is abysmal.
Because personally, I know exactly what I’m looking for. And it’s got nothing to do with appearances. I’m talking about the deeper things. While I’ve found that physical space is not as important as I once thought (I transitioned to working from home in a small apartment surprisingly well), I’ve realized that emotional space is a huge priority for me. And I need people to give me a lot of it.
These days, being an emotionally present listener is commonly known as “holding space” for someone. And luckily for me, people have gotten really, really good at it. So much so that holding space is now a full-blown profession. Spend a few minutes on the internet, and you’ll discover dozens of life coaches, therapists, mentors and manifestors touting their space holding skills across the Insta-verse and beyond. I’m no capitalist, but it seems that our nation’s culture of innovation really has made the best space holders rise to the top. When I saw how successful these trailblazers had become, I realized how little space my past girlfriends have held for me, and how much more I deserved.
Was my last girlfriend bad at holding space for me? No. But I need more than “not bad.” I need a professional, not an amateur. I need someone who holds space at a high level. Someone who’s going to put up big numbers, day in and day out. I’m talking triple-doubles. The Russell Westbrook of space holding, if you will. Without all the drama and emotion. Well, I do need the emotional part, though. But not like him. Okay, that was a bad example. You get the idea. I need an all-star space holder who I can count on 24/7.
And look, I understand that’s a tough thing to find these days, because a lot of people will claim to hold space for you when they couldn’t be less interested in doing so. I just went on a date last week with a girl who seemed promising. I even vetted her social media just to be safe. I checked her Twitter bio. Holding space for others since 1992. I checked her LinkedIn. Freelancer at Space Holding. I checked her Instagram. Holder of Spaces, fire emoji. Things were looking good. But then I found myself on a date with this girl, and I couldn’t even share my feelings for a brief 45 minutes without her trying to get a word in. You call that holding space for me? How is this ever going to work? How are you going to respond when I have some real emotions to unpack? Because honestly, I don’t need you to respond at all. What I need is for you to sit there and…Hold. That. Space.
If you think I’m being too demanding here, then buckle up, because this decade is going to be a wild ride. I’ve noticed that a lot of you think therapy is for pussies, which is why you’re not going to be a major player in this life. Therapy is the future, dumbass. Discover your emotional self and find a way to monetize it like a real American. And if you want a successful life partner, find someone who understands emotional landscapes, because emotional landscapes are the new Wild West, baby. Are you going to sit back and complain about the state of the world, or are you going to grab life by the feels until you strike gold?
Go ahead, laugh all you want. But when the world’s greatest economy gets back on track, you anti-therapy idealogues are going to be working the same jobs for the same people, and my new girlfriend is going to be raking in tens of thousands of dollars every time she live streams one of her counseling sessions with the CEO of McDonald’s. And you’re going to watch them, wishing you’d had the foresight to see where all that “feelings stuff” was headed years ago. Whatever happened to the good ole days, you’ll ask? And no one will really know, and no one will really care. They’ll be busy watching the head of America’s most legendary fast food franchise explain to my hot girlfriend how he doubled Quarter Pounder sales in 2025 by having more compassion for his childhood self. It doesn’t matter whether you think that’s fair. It’s where we’re headed. Get on board.
By the way, when I refer to my hypothetical future girlfriend as “hot,” I don’t mean that in the traditional sense. I mean it in the one-and-only sense that matters: the space holding sense. I could be dating the most attractive woman in the world; if she’s not 100 percent dedicated to holding space for me to express myself, I’ll have to move on. Because if she can’t hold space for me, she certainly won’t be able to do it for the nation’s most successful executives. Every great space holder knows that you’re only as good as the last space you held, and there’s nothing less attractive than watching someone blow an opportunity to work with the big dogs when real money is on the line.
If you think that’s shallow, grow up. You’re on the clock. Are you going to be a Russell Westbrook, or are you going to sit on the sidelines?