Stop Moving to Miami for the Vibe. New York's Is Just Fine.
Have at it with your “good vibes,” new Floridians. We don’t need them here.
My sister’s best friend, who used to (and technically still does) reside in New York, is now only around every few weekends or so. Whenever she comes over to our place, it’s basically a fun little check-in before she gets back on a plane to Miami a week later. For all practical purposes, she lives in Florida now. This seems to be the trend, this Miami thing. Everyone from Kim Kardashian to my sister’s BFF is moving to the Sunshine State, along with countless former New Yorkers and Californians. And the Miami thing is starting to piss me off a little bit.
It’s as if New York suddenly isn’t good enough for you people. Not sure if you guys heard, but our mayor recently announced that he’s going to be #reopening our #culture soon, at which point I have no doubt you’re going to be regretting your decision to move down south. What does Miami have that New York doesn’t, anyway? South Beach? Good vibes? BFD. Last week I went to the bar at the end of my street, and I only had to wait 40 minutes before being seated at least 18 inches from the bike lane. As long as you lock down that table for one and throw back a couple tequila shots under the corner of the heater that still works, New York City is just as good as Miami.
I’ve also noticed that it’s usually the fun people who are moving to Florida and Texas, and their reasoning always has to do with “the vibe.” Does everything have to be about the vibe? I can enjoy a good vibe as much as the next guy, but doesn’t anyone consider the fact that bad vibes have their upside as well? A few days ago I strolled over to the men’s clothing shop in my neighborhood, walked right in and was delighted to see how much room I had to look around. The store is usually quite crowded, but according to the owner, an altercation between two couples that resulted in one of the husbands screaming, “Fuck you and your bitch wife!!” had pretty much cleared the place out over the last 15 minutes. With those bad vibes still hanging in the air, I was able to shop freely without having to share the shop with a dozen other people perusing the shelves.
All I’m saying is, are good vibes really all that great? Over the last year, I’ve seen less people, been less places, and spent more time on my phone than ever. And you know what? I don’t hate it like I did those first couple months of quarantine. Every day that goes by, I settle into this new lifestyle a little bit more, and I think that’s for the best. The thing about good vibes is that they come and go. They rise and fall and shift and change. You never know what you’re gonna get. If there’s one thing this year of mayhem has made me appreciate, it’s consistency. When Covid-19 first started spreading in New York, I hated walking into the grocery store and having to navigate the anxious Upper East Siders as they divvied up floor tiles, marked out their territory in line and hissed at anyone who came within 5.5 feet. But as I learned to expect this kind of behavior from the people around me, I realized that it wasn’t as bad as I’d made it out to be. Why? Consistency. I could count on that nervous energy being alive and well every time I walked in the door. Now I don’t even notice it! I’ve even tried hissing at a few people myself lately, and I think everyone should try it at least once. Because I’ve gotta say, after a rough day, it feels really good.
Having said that, if any New Yorkers see me screaming at fellow shoppers at the Target on 71st Street anytime the top of one of their masks falls off their nose for a second, don’t be too alarmed. This will not be an expression of my genuine feelings. It is part of a performance art piece that has been commissioned by the mayor’s office as part of New York City’s Open Culture program, and I couldn’t be more thrilled to be involved in such an exciting project. It’s this kind of #art that’s really going to heal our city, and you know where you won’t find it? Miami.
So have at it with your “good vibes,” soon-to-be Floridians. We don’t need them here. I just bought one of those masks that you can stick a straw through, and I’m about to bundle up and head to my favorite neighborhood bar. Which means that no more than 90 minutes from now, I’ll be slurping tequila shots to my heart’s content. Some people might call that alcoholism. I call it bringing the beach to me. It’s a beach you people seem to have forgotten, and it’s a beach every one of you flakes will come crawling back to once you realize Miami isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I’ll be waiting for you with my brand-new mittens on. Slurping in the middle of the street.
Stop Moving to Miami for the Vibe. New York's Is Just Fine.
I genuinely had a consistent grin throughout reading this piece. Good on you, sir.