I’m More Authentic Than Ever, And No One Is Even Noticing
I'm not sure being my true self is really for me.
The night of Dec. 31, 2020, I made a New Year’s resolution that I knew would be a huge challenge for me: I wanted to be a more authentic person in 2021. I decided that I wasn’t going to worry about what other people thought of me, because that’s just not my concern. This year was going to be about me embracing the wholeness of me. My friends, family and co-workers can think what they want.
I knew this would be a big undertaking, but I also knew that if I succeeded in this goal, my reward would be that much better. Better than abs after taking my exercise habits to the next level. Better than the harmonious relationships that arise when I start being more supportive of loved ones. I knew if I could learn to like and accept myself, all of those other things would fall into place.
I’m facing this challenge head on, and I’ve got to say, I feel like I’m killing it right now. Just over a month into this new journey, I’m already experiencing an incredible amount of emotional growth. What sucks is that at a time when I’m more authentic than I’ve ever been, I feel like no one is noticing it.
Take this situation I found myself in at the department store I work at. The other day, my co-worker Malorie approached me with a request to help her finish a project she’d been working on for hours in her own department. While I usually say “Sure!” almost immediately, this time I paused. I considered how busy I was with a number of tasks in my own section, and after a few moments of consideration, I informed my colleague that to be honest, I had a lot on my plate and wouldn’t be able contribute. Malorie sighed and told me it was “no big deal.” But as she walked away, I could tell she was frustrated that she’d be finishing her daily pain-in-the-ass checklist alone.
Um, hello? Not sure if you noticed, Malorie, but I basically just delivered a MasterClass in drawing healthy boundaries in the workplace. And now I can’t even enjoy it for a few seconds without being interrupted by the sight of you sulking all the way back to women’s winter wear? Give me a break. Why don’t you try being an adult and letting me have this? I’ve spent more than 30 days living out my goal of embracing my authentic self in every situation regardless of how other people perceive it, and you’re just going to storm off like that? I mean, can you at least give me kudos for being straight-up with you? We’re all on our own journey, Mal. And if you can’t support me on mine, don’t expect me to drop whatever I’m doing to help you organize a few hot new items at the front of the store. I’ve got customers to assist, too.
And that’s another thing. I know these Sunday afternoon shoppers aren’t really tuned into my spiritual awakening, but you would at least think that these people would appreciate the fact that I’m being completely real with them. During my Tuesday lunch break last week, a big chunk of a Granny Smith apple got stuck in my teeth, and I’ll be honest: I did not hesitate to take it out on customers for the next six hours. Why? Because I was pissed, and 2021 is the year I stop hiding my feelings to make others comfortable.
That’s right, Steve. I don’t know if this particular wool/polyester blend is going to activate your skin allergy. So yeah, I guess I’m not “fully educated on the product.” Would you like me to pretend to be an amateur dermatologist for the next 10 minutes so you can walk out of the store with a little peace of mind before you go home and pass out in front of your family? Didn’t think so. Sorry our selection of 10,000 pairs of ski socks just isn’t doing it for you today. Maybe next time.
Steve did not appreciate that. Neither did my boss. Turns out authenticity isn’t really what I thought it was going to be, because neither Steve, Malorie nor any of these New Yorkers fighting the Sunday Scaries with mass consumption of brand clothing has given me much credit for my unabashed realness lately.
I think what I’ve realized is that if I’m not getting any credit for my authenticity, I’m not sure being my true self is really for me. Abs sound nice, though. I think I might save up for a Peloton bike instead.