I Had No Idea Living in Isolation Would Make Me This Compassionate
Compassion was so difficult for me in the normal world. Now I'm alone, and I'm so full of love.
As we approach the one-year anniversary of this quarantine, I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on all the personal progress I’ve made, both spiritually and emotionally. I really do believe that we owe it to ourselves to celebrate those wins.
For me, one of those wins is in an area that’s always been a challenge. Yes, I’m talking about compassion.
It’s something that I had such a hard time showing people when the world was normal. Obviously I had those moments where I saw someone having a bad day and went out of my way to love them. But to be honest, those moments were pretty rare. When day-to-day life really starts stressing you out, it’s easy to lose sight of the things that really matter.
What’s crazy is that this 12-month pause—a time when I’ve hardly had any genuine connection with anyone—has made me so much more compassionate that I ever could’ve imagined.
At first, this didn’t make any sense to me. I asked myself: How can I be so deeply compassionate for others when I’m barely around them at all? How could my compassion levels be at an all-time high when all my closest friends and family now feel like distant acquaintances?
And then I realized that the answer had been right in front of me the whole time. The truth is, the more time I spend alone, the more I am filled with an overwhelming compassion for others! This has been a huge wake-up call for me. Because the reality is, if I’m going to be a super compassionate person going forward, I just need to set aside more time for myself. And that has honestly been so hard, you guys! But I don’t want all this progress I’ve made compassion-wise to be wasted just because I have to go back to being around other people all the time.
If I’m honest, I can already see it happening. The other night I went out to dinner with a friend. I was really proud of myself, because in the days leading up to our hang, I’d been having, like, really compassionate thoughts about her. But within a few minutes of us sitting down at one of our favorite restaurants, that compassion became so difficult for me to access.
And when you’re in that situation, it’s tough, because I’m definitely not going to force myself to be compassionate when I don’t want to. I’ve been trying really hard not to perform for others in that way. Which makes it so hard to be compassionate sometimes! Anyway, I felt bad because I was checking in with myself about all of this, so I kind of spaced out a few times while my friend was talking. I think her aunt has COVID or something? Maybe it’s her grandmother. I can’t really remember. Point is, I just didn’t feel like we were vibing like we used to. And at first, that made me really sad.
What I realize now is that that’s totally natural! Everyone has a unique energy, and I think this particular friend is a good example of someone whose energy just isn’t compatible with mine anymore. I know her family’s been going through a tough time with COVID, and I know it’s driven her into a very isolating depression in a lot of ways. But after learning a ton about compassion over the last few months, I’ve realized that she’s someone I should probably just send some compassionate thoughts to instead of meeting up in-person. And that’s okay. Because if I’m being real, there are so many people who fall into that category for me! And that is nothing against them. I think I’m just one of those people who best experiences compassion for others when I’m alone. I’ve read so many good quotes about compassion over the last year, and one thing they always say is that it all starts with having compassion for yourself.
That’s what makes me nervous about our society reopening over the next few months. On top of all the health concerns, it’s like, I’ve finally gotten to a point where I can sit back and enjoy feeling compassionate for all the people in my life. I’ve been doing so much work on myself, and I’ve been really intentional about, like, having others in my thoughts this year. I’m just not sure I’m going to have the space for true compassion when I feel like I’m constantly having to do things for other people.
I guess I just hope that we remember all the lessons we learned about ourselves during quarantine when we step out into the world again. It’s not going to be easy, but I feel like if we work together, we can create a future that’s, like, really compassionate in general! Just make sure you stay true to what compassion means for you.
Speaking of which, if you guys could keep me in your thoughts this week, that would be so helpful. I’m trying really hard to be compassionate toward my neighbor down the hall, but that’s really difficult right now. He’s an older guy, and he keeps saying that the weed smoke coming from my apartment is really strong and getting to be a little much for him, especially with his past health problems and everything. I don’t know, it just seems like he’s been really judgmental of my lifestyle lately, and that’s super frustrating. I wouldn’t have a problem with stopping, except that smoking is such a big part of what keeps me feeling compassionate toward others, him included! It’s also that whole performance thing, you know? Like, I’m not going to stop being myself just because it makes him uncomfortable. Anyway, please send your compassionate vibes my way. I definitely need them right now!